I’ve had 5 glasses of wine at this point, so that should be a very good idea of where this article is headed: Get drunk. Need to spend time with your grandmother who thinks you are a lesbian? Get drunk. Need to spend time with your father in law who you’ve had countless arguments with? Get drunk. Need to buy gifts for people that you don’t even want to say “hello” to at War-mart? Get drunk. Alright, maybe not that last one. I mean, do whatever you want to do – but don’t blame me when you get banned from Wal-Mart for testing out the advent calendars before buying them.
Be Patient During The Holidays
Your family really just wants to spend time with you – that’s what families do. Be patient and (get drunk) find a way to cope with the ridiculous amount of hugs, kisses, and oddly timed jokes about your general existence. Maybe your significant other absolutely hates decorating for Christmas and thinks tree decorating is a waste of time – buy a jumbo bottle of wine and do it anyways.
Dress Your Dog Up As Santa
I didn’t do this, but I regret it exponentially. End of story.
Did I already mention this? Oops. Just kidding, it really needs to be mentioned 25x because it is the most important part of the holiday season, lets be honest.
Eat A lot
I don’t even care what you are eating. Just eat. Your body needs to soak up the alcohol somehow, am I right? Eat pretzels and hummus, or Christmas cookies, or just straight chocolate, like an absolute animal. Christmas is the time of alcohol and food. Enjoy both in copious amounts, please.
Watch The Grinch 28 Times.
27 isn’t enough. It is crucial that you watch it 28 times at the very least. If you can’t quote the entire movie by heart by January 1st, I will be highly disappointed.
T’is the season, am I right?! Christmas seriously hurts my wallet, and this is coming from someone who’s wallet is in a consistent state of pain. I buy gifts for people that I don’t even know their last names, and then I just don’t buy groceries until March. It’s cool, though. Christmas is all about the money you spend on people around you, right? RIGHT!?